A writer who loves fantasy, avoids reality, and who knows the value of hanging a death skull outside my door to ward off uninvited visitors.

Friday, January 6, 2012

The Job, The Shark, and The Brain Cells That Failed To Fire

Okay so, I have a problem. It's a problem I'm sure a lot of people experience on those dreaded days when we clear away the clutter that somehow found its way into our lives in the last week. Those abominable days when we pull out the Windex, pour on the Pledge, and overall tend to those home invading dust bunnies that seem determined to become a permanent fixture in our lives. Yes, folks. I'm talking about cleaning day. Ugh! Is there a more grotesque term in existence? What a monumental waste of time. A time more boring than, oh, I don't know, watching paint dry, or grass grow, or even sitting and pondering the wonders of our own toenails.

See, I have tile floors, which I hate with every fiber of my soul and want to change every time I open my eyes. I also have five cats. Even though the cats generally stay out in the closed in terrace, they come in for about an hour everyday, and with them comes hairballs so big, I still find myself checking to make sure the cats aren't bare-a** bald. And, as it goes, that tile floor needs vacuuming with a hair-ravenous machine that, like the Terminator, simply will not stop until it gets the job done. Unfortunately, most companies like to tout their weapons of no destruction as the best and most efficient vacuum in the known universe.

Believe it or not, I've actually bought six vacuums in the past year. Yup, I've literally run the gamut of vac companies, from Hoover and Eureka, to Bissel and the latest let-down: Shark. Every one of them has been returned a week later, once the joke fell upon us. That is to say, once we became enlightened to the monster we call FALSE ADVERTISING.

And so, I give you the latest in the IT'S GOING BACK Winter Line.

The Shark Navigator Lift-Away Pro Bagless Upright Vacuum Cleaner

See, my problem with this machine is not--for once--the suction power itself so much as the same problem every other vac has had in addition to the suction issue. This damnable machine has this joke of a vac tube that is all of about two feet long. Naturally, the box goes on and on about the convenience of this tube, for jobs where you need to get into corners and such. But what the box fails to mention is how every time you try to use the tube in a place further than two inches from the vac, the vac tips over! Now how the frick does that help anyone, um?

I mean, there I am, trying to feed that side of me that doesn't want to live with dust bunnies and cat hair, and all I've got to work with is two inches of tube reach! Come on! What brainiac came in to work one day and decided it was a most fabulous idea to make a vac with a two-foot gesture of a tube for those hard-to-reach places? Did he intend it to be used only in a smurf's house? Because he really should have put that on the box, you know.

When are these greedy, lying, cheating vac companies gonna make something actually worth buying, using, and keeping for more than a week? You know, as penance, I truly believe that the makers of such useless gadgets should be forced to ditch their $500 Dysons and use their own products everyday. And not just on their floors. No sir. I'm talking those tight corners high up on their cathedral ceilings. Yeah. And behind things. And under things that require more than their paltry 2 feet of tubing length.

I'd pay to see that. Wouldn't you?!

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