A writer who loves fantasy, avoids reality, and who knows the value of hanging a death skull outside my door to ward off uninvited visitors.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Oh the webs they weave....

Okay so, there I am, minding my own business last night, innocently planning a midnight trek to Walgreens for a few needs and wants. So I head outside and what do I see, but a full-on plan of attack by a spider web the size of Texas, spun the spider sitting in the center of his carefully constructed death trap. This spider was so big, I was sure it was a close cousin to the mutation we all know as Spiderman himself.

I mean, this thing seriously looked like it had headed up a meeting with other neighborhood spiders to see how best to utterly block the exit from my own house. I'm not kidding here, the web (beautiful as it was), ran from the top of my roof, down to the two pine trees that border the entrance of my front porch, like the great wall of arachnid. I didn't want to make too much noise by going back into the house, but I had to break up the web or chance being a prisoner in my own home. Held hostage by the ginormous spider that was staring at me like it was fully prepared for a battle of wills.

The only thing I could find was a helpless little snail. "Yes, let's feed the spider," I muttered under my breath. "That'll scare it off." I stared closely at the spider, then threw up my hands in surrender and went back inside to get my husband, the captor of all things I don't like. He brought out a stick and whisked away the web, which clung to the stick as though it had been imbued with the spider's steadfast will of not giving in.

With the web gone and the path clear, I let out a breath of relief, kissed and thanked my husband, and went on my merry way. Low and behold, little did I know that the evil spider was not quite done with me. When I got to the corner of my block, I rolled down my window for a moment, and there it was....another freakin' web....probably an extension of the Texas-sized mammoth.

"How special!"

So, when I got out of the car at Walgreens, what did I wind up doing, but walking right into the web. Needless to say, the other night-trekkers to Walgreens that dotted the parking lot got a live midnight showing of Watch That Fool Dance! And I was the star. Wriggling and wrangling my way...or trying to...out of the clutches of the web that refused to let me go.

Now, I love animals, and I'm that proverbial, "I couldn't hurt a fly," person. But come on! I never signed up to be a fixture on a web, spun by a spider that did his bidding to ensnare us helpless humans. No sir!

So, after five minutes of an infinitely embarrassing, audience-filled, web-be-gone dance, I finally got it off me and went inside the store, head held down in absolute mortification and a total sense of eyes narrowing in on me like I was the star of a freak show.

Spiders be warned. You're now on my list of enemies!

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